Have you ever felt like you didn’t belong?

No matter how hard you tried, you thought you couldn’t fit.

Today, I’m sharing my self-love, acceptance, and respect journey and how these three words transformed my life. It’s been a few weeks since my last Podcast Episode; after some trips and slowly but surely adapting to my new environment, I am back to share more of my life experience. Welcome to my inner world.

Teenage Struggles

As a teenager, I often compared myself to others, feeling insecure about who I was and how I looked.

Finding reference points is crucial; the key is to find the right ones for us. How could I have known at such a young age which were the right ones? Well, mistakes were and are always needed for us to grow.

While living in the USA, I experienced a shift in my diet, environment, and overall Lifestyle. At fifteen, I knew nothing about conscious eating and overall balance. I was starting to explore who I was, who I wanted to become, and my life experiences. I had beautiful experiences, and those that were less wonderful molded me. The truth was I ate so much junk food and loads of sugar that I started to crave it as the days passed.

This led to changes in my body and, most importantly, how I felt about myself. As a kid, studying, making new friends, and having new experiences truly fulfilled me. However, not having control over my eating habits was leading me to a place I would come to regret.

Transformation Abroad

The changes in my life at such a young age were significant. I badly wanted to travel to another country, dive into my English learning, and see the world. I was lucky because my parents worked hard to provide us with the best experiences and help us get the tools to navigate life. I took the opportunity, and of course, there are so many things to discuss about an exchange program. However, the point today is how I learned to love, accept, and respect my mind and body through all the physical and mental changes.

I gained a lot of weight at this age. When thinking about it, I remember not caring about it at the time. I just ate sugar, and it made me feel great. I was unable to identify my feelings and emotions at certain times. I just sensed something was missing and ate sugar to compensate.

I did not know about communication, the art of communicating my thoughts to acquire the best advice from adults with the best intentions. However, life was going to teach me this step by step. At fifteen, I could not think so profoundly; I was learning to understand myself and the world around me.

Return and Realization

After studying abroad in the USA, I returned to Ecuador feeling different. I realized that I had changed a lot physically and mentally, and I felt unaccepted by society.

During that time, I questioned whether I needed to change my appearance to fit in. Negative voices influenced my daily thoughts, pushing me to alter my reality.

Coming back to high school, I was unconsciously judged by how much weight I had put on. I felt so bad my clothes did not fit as they used to. Appearances mattered; they mattered so much, and they still do, I know.

I remember seeing girls wearing so much makeup, constantly talking about their looks and the importance of our worth based on our appearance!

I thought my friends looked healthy and happy. However, I felt very different, so part of me did not want to go out until I changed this. How sad was this for me? I stayed at home, missing things because I felt uncomfortable in my skin. That was my thinking back then, but it is a way of justifying the lack of acceptance we have for once self.

I made jokes about myself and laughed with friends and family, but part of that laugh was just a hidden mask. At sixteen, I did not understand that I needed to talk to someone who could reassure me that this was okay, that I could change anything if I wanted to, and that all I needed to do was start eating healthy and moving my body.

My parents tried to help, but I was at an age where I did not want to listen to anyone.

Self-Love and Hardships

Feeling unhappy with my body, I sought validation from others. I remember comments about my weight gain, and I constantly compare myself to smaller and slimmer friends.

It was a difficult period, filled with self-doubt and a lack of comfort. Although I engaged in sports and physically transformed, my mental journey required more work. I wasn’t content with my life, and my relationships with family and friends faced challenges.

The Journey of Self-Discovery

During these hardships, I came across a charming phrase: “We cannot love what we do not know.” It sparked a realization that I needed to embark on a journey of self-discovery. I was unsure how to start this, but I knew that was the right path to walk.

Within a few months, my body became healthier, stronger, and more flexible. At that age, physical appearance was all I could think of.

I needed to look good to feel good. But the work was just halfway done. I had changed my body, but I needed to change my thinking. This was going to take some time.

This journey of self-discovery became a lifelong pursuit, shaping my perspective and transforming my life. It allowed me to understand myself better and define the person I aspired to be.

Fast forward → To my twenties

I remember doing one of the most beautiful meditations ever. I was in the countryside, at a lovely home, doing my Tantra yoga teacher training.

Here, we did a guided meditation that consisted of the following:

I was lying down with my eyes closed, and my imagination started flowing. I was walking toward a big, beautiful, artistic door filled with bright colors. I slowly and carefully opened the door. Once opened, I started walking, slowing in.

While walking, I began remembering pieces of my childhood: my tears, laughing memories, moments when I felt insecure and sad, and others when I was ecstatic.

Suddenly, I stopped, and there I was, seeing myself at seven years old; I ran into that little girl and hugged her.

The meditation guided us to challenging moments and contemplated what happened, identifying the emotions at this point and accepting them. Part of the process was being grateful for all the feelings that made us uncomfortable. Seeing myself at seven, breathing deeply, and exhaling any negative emotion was truly powerful.

I told her everything would be okay and that everything I encountered would lead me to discover who I was.

I will fall in love with myself.